Loss

Early September I found out that I was pregnant!  A new baby was  in our plan and we were definitely happy to welcome another little one into our home

But… the sad story begin on 26^th September 2013

I went to the Prince Court’s ER with spotting.  The doctor started the ultrasound, and looked and looked for the baby.  I have done this enough times to know what we should have been seeing on the screen, but we saw nothing.  No gestational sac even.  I was supposed to be 7.5 weeks at this point, so the doctor told us that there were 2 possibilities: 

1. The baby was already starting to undergo demise and a miscarriage was coming, or

2.  The baby was developing in a tube (ectopic pregnancy).  If we had seen anything in my uterus on the ultrasound, we could have ruled out an ectopic, but there was nothing to see!

Then the doctor asked me to do a beta blood test to measure the HCG levels (pregnancy hormone). I would get blood drawn that day and then I have to repeat the test 48 hours later to measure the rate at which the HCG was doubling. The rule of thumb is that they basically expect HCG levels to double every 48 hours. But I refuse to do it.While it was sad to know that the baby was not developing, it was also a relief to not find it in a tube and be facing surgery!  I was released from the hospital, and started miscarrying at home the next day T_T

Having never experienced a pregnancy loss, I was amazed at how attached I could feel to a baby we hadn’t even met!  While this was not devastating (I can image that it would be much more difficult going through the loss of a baby after a struggle with infertility, or farther along into the pregnancy), we were all extremely sad and disappointed.  Aliyah  didn’t understand what was happening exactly. 

Suami and I both feel that this miscarriage confirmed our desire to have another baby. My perfect plan would be to squeeze in one more baby before I hit “advanced maternal age” (I’m 34 next year – not ancient, but I’m certainly not getting any younger!).  

By Allah’s grace, we have been trusting Him that although we may never know the reasons for this event in our lives, Allah allowed it for our good and for His glory.  And in that we can rejoice!  We can be thankful even in the midst of sadness because we are confident to Allah.  We may never know the “why” on this one, and that’s okay.